After being an avid gamer since I was around 8 years old, I am finally bored of gaming. Nerd rant alert!

I have no interest in any of the many games sitting on our shelves, no games that are out at the moment appeal, and no future games excite me. Nothing. Not the imminent arrival of Fable 2 and Fallout 3. Nor the announcement of Diablo 3 and a new Star Wars MMO based on Knights of the Old Republic. Not even Warhammer Online (which I had been playing rather a lot of), or Wrath of the Lich King for wow which is due out in a couple of weeks.

I can’t be arsed any more. Games aren’t what they used to be.

I don’t think I am alone in this - just the other day my sister messaged me as she just couldn’t find a game worth playing. Modern games suck.

Nothing can compare to the decade or so that produced masterpieces such as Unreal, Diablo 2, Deus Ex, Planescape Torment, Baldurs Gate 2, the Thief series, and many more. More recently, Divine Divinity and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic were absolute corkers.  How can I forget true oldies such as Duke Nukem and Doom too, just awesome fun, and such replayability!

Innovation and originality is seriously lacking in games these days, and the sterility of the Xbox port doesn’t help matters. I was seriously pissed off and disappointed with the Deus Ex followup - what a joke that was. The storyline sucked, it was very linear, bugged to death, and you felt like you were playing in a cardboard box (thanks to the game being created for the Xbox). Thief 3 wasn’t much better. I did enjoy Mass Effect and Bioshock but I never did complete the latter.

I always completed my old faves. Many times over in some cases. I completed Deus Ex some 15+ times before it got a little tedious, and I have completed Thief 3 at least 10 times on Expert mode. Fabulous game! But then, I have just played it too many times now, I need something completely new.

I think partly it may be because games simply are too realistic, which leaves no scope for the imagination. I am a game nerd and freely admit it. Back when I was playing on the Acorn Electron and Spectrum, I would daydream about games of the future being more realistic. I never imagined it would happen for real. After we got our first P100 PC and discovered the joys of Doom and Heretic, I asked my Dad if one day processors would get faster and he said no, they could never possibly cool anything near a gigabyte. Now look what has happened!

When I played Elite, I would daydream about actually being in the game for real. The same with Unreal and Thief. They kickstarted my (often wild and frequently completely bizarre) imagination. Not one modern game has managed that. I know I am older now and have more to think about and I am more often than not simply too tired or harrassed to daydream, but my imagination remains unchanged!

Another gripe is that many of them look the same. The graphics are similar, because they are made for the same platform ( we all know which that is, grr), there are no large landscapes like in Deus Ex and true non-linear games are no longer in existence. I imagine Diablo 3 will be like living in a box/dungeon/sewer, with crappy console-ported controls, a linear storyline without much deviation, and it will look exactly the same as the dozens of other games that come out at the same time.

Finally, maybe - just maybe - it’s the fact that I can no longer sit gaming all night long whilst chain smoking and drinking huge amounts of alcohol! I have kids to care for and a man who won’t get up to them, I don’t smoke any more because I’m scared of cancer and smelling like an old dog-end, and I am drunk off 2 small glasses of wine these days! Hmm…

Anyway, rant over. Honest. I’m tired now and it’s not 9pm yet!

But PLEASE make some decent games, dammit!

It was just the other day
That you were near
A lovely smile
Spread ear to ear

It was just a moment ago
And I knew from the start
That you would teach the world
To talk Heart to Heart

There is really no mystery
My heart knows it’s true
The world is a better place
The praise goes to you

It was unconditional
The love that you gave
You taught us to LIVE
You asked us to be brave

It’s now left to us
We will carry the ball in
The victory is yours
Nothing less than a win

Rest easy now, Dear Adrian
Your mission is done
Save a place for us there

Dear Friend, Dear Brother, Dear Son…

With thanks to Therese from Baldysblog who wrote this poem.

We’ll miss you, Adrian…
Caroline xxx

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven’s love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem’ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don’t waste a breath, don’t shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don’t wait for me
Above the universe you’ll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won’t forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

I found a few examples of my ‘old’ accent here. These girls are both around the same age as me, and their accents are very familiar.

I still have lots of northern in my accent but it is more a hybrid now, having been down here for a number of years. If I talk to southern people it tends to be even more southern, but if I talk to northerners (or have had a few drinks) it is definitely recognisable as northern. I think if I moved back up north again it would be a full Lancashire accent within months!

I was a little upset as a while back I searched for and found a clip from Muker in Yorkshire - where my ancestors moved to and lived after they moved from Scotland - and it is no longer available electronically. No fair! If anyone knows where I can get clips like that I would be most grateful

British Accents

I’m all homesick now

As I am quickly heading down the steep path to 30 which hits me later this year, I thought that now at last I may stop being asked for ID, getting funny looks and comments when I am seen out with my children, shocked looks when telling people my real age. But no - I don’t feel that it will ever end!

Very recently I have had a serious amount of grey hair appearing, especially at the front of my hair, and I have left it in for effect. I even chopped a fringe which shows it up even more, but has is made any difference? No. Nobody seems to notice!

But why does the ‘age thing’ bother me so much? Truthfully, in many ways, I love it. I relish telling people my real age when they guess badly; I love their facial expressions, open mouths, gasps (yes, it does happen, honest). However, there are times when it is quite annoying and even upsetting. I do enjoy looking young for my age - just not all the time.

Once, when I was pregnant with my 4 year old Nicholas, I was getting on the bus to town when a group of people started shouting that I was far too young to be pregnant, and how disgraceful it was that I was going to be a teenage Mum. I was 25.

More recently, it has been the incredibly nasty looks and comments I have received from people convinced I am a teenage Mum. These nasty people think that you are a bad parent, you need parenting advice, and that they can say anything to you and it doesn’t matter - you are only a stupid teenager. If you could be a fly on the wall during these events you would seriously not believe how horrible people can be. It doesn’t help that I don’t wear a ring on my finger (besides, I don’t do rings anyway), but for people to assume I am a single teenage Mum without a clue how to care for my own children is abhorrent.

Then there is the other side - those who are surprised at how well looked after my children seem, and that I am not wearing jogging bottoms and ‘bling’ jewellery, and even seem like a normal person! I have heard ‘It’s nice you can keep your children clean when you are so young’, ‘young mothers are often the best you know, don’t let anyone else tell you any different’ (nice comment but unfortunately I am not a young mother!). Thankfully I can live with these!

I remember being 21 years old when I went into a shop for some cigarettes, armed with my passport and birth certificate. Yes, I know smoking is bad for your health, which is why I don’t do it any more! Anyhoo, the shopkeeper escorted me from the premises - physically! He was so incredibly rude, and obviously had no intention of even listening to my protests, never mind looking at my ID!

Nowadays when I am buying a little tipple for the weekend I still am forced to go to the shop armed with identification - my trusty passport. I don’t go anywhere without it, and it has got to the stage that when I find I have left it at home I have a mini panic attack. Indeed when I DO have the passport and am buying alcohol I am a nervous wreck at the checkout.  My heart pounds, I have butterflies, and I often shake a little, it all doesn’t help when I am pleading sincerely that the girl with the bleached blonde hair in my passport is me! Note to self: get new passport with recent brunette photo.

I am dieting and it seems the more weight I lose the worse it gets, and I also think the swept fringe was a mistake as it has knocked another couple of years off me!  Last week I was with my two children and the checkout lady though I was 16. Honest! Throughout the entire transaction - even after showing her my ID - she stared at me suspiciously, and kept asking me questions like ‘have you always been healthy to look so young?’ and ’are most people shocked when you tell them your age?’ and so on. I felt like a bloody monkey in a zoo!

It is nice when I go to my local co-op as I do know a few of the people there well having visited the shop for the last 5 years, so I am a kind of in-joke for new staff when I buy alcohol! They never believe I am 29!

From this post I seem like a real alcoholic, trust me I’m not! Just memories from shop visits for my weekend drink, as we don’t go out and we don’t drink during the week!

Anyway, another good event was when I visited a health food shop and the shopkeeper said I look terribly young for my age - like a teenager - but he guessed I must be in my late twenties. See, its nice when people say I look young, but realise that in actual fact I am not as young as I look. I like that. More please!

Photos of me are not a good indication of how young I look, as I do appear more youthful in real life. Not sure why - maybe photos do tell the truth, as they say?

I know, I should enjoy looking young, and I will enjoy it when I get older, etc, etc…only people have been saying that to me for the past 15 or so years and I still don’t enjoy it all the time!

Maybe when I am closer to the big 40!

In actual fact I admit that this stupid game has yet again got me in its grasp! So much in fact, that I am thinking of joining a raiding guild. Yes, me, raiding! I think I will need a good supply of valium to do this though, seeing as I am so scared of anything involving the slightest chance of messing up and being thoroughly embarrassed!

I am thoroughly enjoying playing, and if I could I would spend every waking moment ingame, which is not a good thing.  Anyway, I have decided to hit a goal of reaching exalted with the Shattered Sun faction (I only just started doing those quests), then I will use up all the rested xp on my two alts. After that I am going to spend my time writing/reading and playing other games until I hit maximum rested on my alts, then rinse and repeat, etc. 

You see, this morning I got such a fantastic response to some writing I did (for children) that I’m going to give it one last try.  I have absolutely no confidence in anything I do any more, and it puts me off doing them. From WoW raiding, to writing, to studying - if I think I am going to waste time and make a fool of myself, I give up. Comes from being isolated for far too long I guess (having a man who sits at his Mac 24/7 doesn’t help matters). I have planned to go out at the end of May to a Burlesque evening, as it’s something I would like to try myself, but as I haven’t been out for years really I am worried I will make a fool of myself - drink too much, come dressed wrong, get ID’d as usual and forget my passport, seem like a boring old fart who normally sits indoors playing WoW or watching her other half play WoW.

Paranoid or perfectionist? I’d like to think the latter but these days I am not so sure!

Steve quit his guild last night and joined another pretty much out of the blue, so I had to leave the guild myself pronto before getting the boot. I joined a ’social guild’ and if you are a WoW player you will know what that means! Let’s say it is just a temporary thing! I would need to find a guild which doesn’t raid too early, so I can get the kids to bed first; I might be hunting around for a while yet!

On another note, we went to see Nicholas’s school today and loved it! Just as well as I had already accepted a place! Long story, maybe ask me about it some time

Better go and prepare our delicious feast of…soup and bread! Er, yes…

I’ve created a new page which will have a few stories and poems posted on it in a few weeks; I’ve also created a blog for any stories intended for adults, as it is right that they should be kept seperate. I will only give the link to trusted friends.

Anyway, will let you know how I get on.

I am likely going to miss the deadline for one of my writing competitions, but it was a little last minute anyway. Just finding it too hard to write anything decent at the moment. Plenty of ideas, not much action!

Feeling a little low at the moment for various reasons, so have been listening to lots of music which really does help. Especially enjoying The Killers and Keane. Hoping to go to a Burlesque evening next Sunday which may cheer me up, I do love all that, I’d love to do it myself one day! Well, I would likely need a lot of surgery first! I would wear 50s clothing and hair/makeup for the event too, something different for a change! I’d very much like to dress in a 50s/gothic way most of the time but Steve would throw me out!

Anyway, here is a song that is very relevant to me at the moment. This guy has the most lovely voice too.