Nutty about games!

Someone, somewhere…is against me writing anything. I’m sure of it! I believe a rant is in order!

I remember back to Nanowrimo time, when I was all prepared to write and began on the 1st November with gusto, steaming along at a rate of 2000-2500 words a night, which is a good pace for me. I enjoyed it so much; it was far from a chore and my imagination was buzzing along at a rate of knots.

Monday November 4th hit and with it came the fireworks, starting at 7pm and lasting until 1am.  This happened every night up until the end of the weekend, with some fireworks going off literally on our doorstep. It wasn’t that they were just disturbing me, but that they were waking the boys multiple times during the period I had designated for writing. By the end of that week I was at least 12k words down.

Just as I thought I may catch up a little, flu struck. Now, normally when people say they had flu, they did not - heavy cold, sniffles, whatever, not flu. I started out feeling a little rough, lying on the sofa with a mild fever and a sore throat. Within a few hours I was shivering and shaking and aching, veering between boiling hot and freezing cold, with raging fever of 40 degrees, feeling like I was dying. I still had to look after the children so I got off the sofa just to get them some food and then sat straight back down again afterwards. By the weekend, when I was allowed 3hrs in bed by Steve, I was pretty much delirious and kept having horrible nightmares. I couldn’t eat a single thing for 5 days, and lost a lot of weight, and it took me at least 2 weeks until I started feeling myself again. Worst illness ever!

Then - of course - just as my fever started to go down the boys got ill, and my goodness were they poorly. It was dreadful. Then Steve got it and after he struggled through work for a couple of days he spent a whole weekend in bed and I had to take care of him and the children despite not being too well myself.

So - around 3 weeks of Nano vanished without a trace! I did manage to catch up a little at the end but it just wasn’t to be and I failed, again.

Of course writing isn’t just for Nano time, so I wasn’t going to give up that easily - until the laptop broke.

Now, I do have a PC - but have you ever tried writing while sat next to a man with a voice like a foghorn who is either (a) playing Battlefield 2142 and yelling into ventrilo, (b) listening to extremely loud music whilst raiding in World of Warcraft or (c) moaning about me writing and ignoring him, and interrupting my thought every few minutes with comments and phone calls?

I imagine that to be a no. So for now my writing is at an end, except on those rare occasions he is out of the house. Handwriting is also no-no, as these days I can barely read it myself thanks to never really having the need to write!

I would love to write, really I would, instead of jotting down endless thoughts and ideas that never see the light of day - but I can’t ever see it happening. Perhaps when I retire, eh?

I just can’t write any more. I sit down and try, then I get bored after about 5 minutes!

This month has been a complete disaster - from fireworks driving me mad, me getting ill, then my boys getting ill, just awful. I knew it could happen but it seems to have all come at once. Currently the boys are both still awake at 8pm, which is the time I start writing. Last night Gabriel cried until pretty much 9pm, poor chap, and then I just couldn’t get into the swing of things.

Now, I just can’t get started. I wish I had someone to kick my butt and get me to write something, but Steve isn’t too supportive of this, and I don’t know of anyone else who is doing it. I think I might visit the Nano forums and look for someone to help before it is too late.

If I start tonight and write every night from now on I can still do this thing, easily. I just have to find the willpower!

Help!

It’s said to be an old wives tale that worry makes your hair go grey, but I beg to differ.

When I had my first son I noticed my very first grey hairs. A year following the birth of our second son, I am getting noticeably grey at the front (and I also am developing crows feet). Ok, so it’s not qute as bad as it may sound, but I definitely notice the difference - and I think my children caused it.

You see, no matter how much a father loves their children, they will never - ever - even begin to understand a mother’s love.

We worry about everything. All the time.

I am terrified when my eldest goes to nursery, and not just because I am leaving him in the hands of a bunch of strangers that don’t really know him as I do. I worry that on the way there someone will drive onto the pavement straight into us; I worry that my eldest will let go of my hand and run into the road or that he will get stuck in the doors of the bus; I worry I’ll accidentally let go of the buggy and it will go straight into the path of an oncoming vehicle.

Once he is there I worry that something will happen to me and I won’t able to pick him up from nursery in time; that he will seriously hurt himself at nursery or another kid will bully him and make him unhappy, or a member of staff will tell him off for something he hasn’t done.

I even worry when we are in the house - every fall, bump, bang or scrape has me fretting that something serious has happened to my children. If they have bruised shins (as boys often do) I imagine social services seeing them and coming to take my babies away. Every cough, sneeze and fever is something more serious in my imagination.

I have to stop myself from checking on them too often when they are asleep. When I do, I go into their room and place my hand on their chest to make sure they are breathing, then I cover them up, and give them a kiss and sometimes a cuddle, often disturbing them in the process. When Nicholas was a baby I would go upstairs every 5 to 10 minutes to see if he was ok. With Gabe I didn’t have to do this - he slept in my bed!

My two greatest fears…well, I simply won’t discuss them here as I will think about them constantly. A slightly lesser fear is me dying and them not having their Mummy around to take care of them. I mean, can I imagine Daddy happily changing nappies, giving them three meals a day plus snacks and reading them nice bedtime stories? Er, I don’t think so.

I think about when they get older and they don’t want to cuddle me any more, and when they can go out alone and something bad might happen to them, or when they leave home and I don’t know what they are up to or if they are safe…

I was just reading the news and saw the headline ‘two year old dies at nursery’ and instantly went into panic mode; wandering around the house crying and hyperventiliating, imagining myself to be the parents of this child and, well, just basically overreacting and freaking out. I don’t know why I even check the news when it upsets me so, but time and again I read such stories that will have be dwelling and moping and thinking far too deeply for sometimes weeks on end. 

Before I had my children, none of these worries existed. Not one.

Now, I do think I worry a little more than most other mothers do - correct me if I’m wrong. But there is nothing I can do about it. I was talking to my Mum the other day and she said that when we were little she was rather like me, and even now she has a moment of panic thinking about us so far away from her. She has one daughter in the states, and I am about a five hour drive from her, and the separation must be dreadful, even though we speak almost every day.

Anyway, if I keep going on like this I’m going to be completely grey by 30 I reckon (yes, and that’s not so far off, I know)!

On the other hand I am catching up with my Nano following a few disturbed nights courtesy of fireworks disturbing the boys, and Steve, who wanted me to game with him. I don’t think he’s too happy that I’m doing this as he doesn’t get to spend any time with me in the evenings now but I try to keep reminding him it’s not forever. It’s just something I have to do; I failed last year, and I don’t want to fail again. I hope it’s worth it.

I did plan on doing around 2000 words a night (over the 1667 words per day minimum), and last night I managed 2167, which I am quite pleased about. I understand that others are doing much more but bear in mind I am writing a maximum of 2 and a half hours a day. My plan is to do two hours a day, from 8 until 10pm. Last night I did about am hour and a half before burning out and needing my bed. Hopefully I can keep this up so that the quantity will be there.

Quality wise, I am distinctly lacking at the moment. Last nights writing was basically a little ranting about ‘I don’t know what to write about’, then a little story about a bug that has no idea what he is doing, followed by a spewed version of ideas for the whole book. Not exactly ‘proper’ story writing. Now, the general rule of Nano is never to delete or edit anything you write, so I won’t be touching it. Instead I will colour the sections I definitely do not want to keep in red, and get rid of them afterwards.

For those who have never done Nano before - this is not cheating. A good method for one with writers block, for example, is just to write. Anything. You soon find that the story grows as your muse slowly comes out of hibernation. It took a couple of hundred words for mine to emerge, and then I was off like a shot. In the process of typing up my ideas, my book also changed from fantasy to science fiction. Having never written sci fi before this should be rather a challenge!

I have also found that by removing my temptation for browsing the net (by not having my PC on in the day) I am getting a lot more done. Time and again I have protested that I would only nip back to my machine now and again to check for msn messages, emails, etc, and it did not affect my day at all. Surprising then how much extra time I seem to have gained, alongside renewed energy for other things. Perhaps spending my first evening relaxing on my own letting my imagination run wild and having a fairly early night, rather than surfing the net and gaming until late, also helped.

I managed to sort some clothes out for a charity collection tomorrow, organise and photo clothes I am going to put on ebay, and gather baby clothes for a family members’ impending arrival; I tidied the lounge up (a task which is now completely undone thanks to my active kids, but never mind); made a casserole which took quite some time; cleaned the hob with the assistance of cheap biological washing powder and a hairdryer (don’t ask); and did random housework tasks. Even managed to put the washing out, which reminds me, must go get it in now.

Isn’t my life just thrilling!

Anyway, I have waffled enough. Am actually quite looking forward to this tonight, although I am again unsure where to start.

Ah well, on with the show!

Well, the time has come - tomorrow I start writing my 50,000 word novel! At the same time I will be beginning a month-long almost total internet ban (apart from this blog, email once a week, and Nanowrimo forums if I need a proverbial kick up the bum once in a while).

Now, let’s get one thing straight - this is not a novella as I know some of you may point out. I write for kids and a 50k first draft will be a fantastic building block to work on, should I not want to rip it to shreds, chew on it, burn it, use it as toilet paper…you get the picture.

A minor problem. Just a teeny one.

I still have no plot. Nothing. Hence my very short blog today.

In the words of Douglas Adams - don’t panic!

Yes, I’m fretting again. Although not about Nanowrimo. Well, sort of.

I’m in a panic because I know I am not going to be able to finish the Neverwinter Nights 2 expansion ‘Mask of the Betrayer‘ before Nano starts! Not unless I drop all notion of figuring out a plot and characters for my novel before the Nano start date anyway. I’m not quite sure why I started the expansion having only just got around to finishing vanilla NwN2 after the third time through (I have said it before, but my attention span can be bad unless I find something very interesting or really immerse myself in the storyline). I think it was partly due to my upset at the ending of NwN2 and my hope of finding out what happened to all my comrades, but all I have learned is that the expansion is as brilliant and addictive as the original game - which is a bummer when you are about to write a novel and have no plot to speak of!

I’ve stuck to the advice ‘plan one week before Nano’ like glue, and my time is up tomorrow. Meaning tonight may in fact be my last night of gaming for a whole five weeks! Never in history - alright, since I was around eight years old and Dad purchased our lovely Acorn Electron - have I refrained from playing a game for such a long period! 

How will I cope? Do gaming withdrawal symptoms exist? Am I really going to be able to concentrate soley on my Nano storyline for the next five weeks or so?

I know what you are going to say - get a life! Well, gaming is a lifestyle. I have grown up with games, watched the technology develop, and have seen them evolve into something I could never have imagined possible. I still remember the time I would dream of games being ‘realistic’; literally, at night I would lie in bed and visualise myself living in a game of the future. Playing Unreal for the very first time was a dream come true, it was everything I imagined and more. To this day I am still in awe of modern games.

Would I like to do what many Brits do and waste money going ‘out on the lash’ on a Friday and Saturday night, dressed in a ridiculously short skirt, smothered in makeup and stinking of cheap perfume, surrounded by kebab-reeking letches who accuse you of being a lesbian or insult your appearance when you turn them down? Or crouched in a bunker in the middle of a firefight, explosions sounding all around me, waiting to snipe the enemy when they try to capture my point; going on an epic journey to cure the world of some evil, smiting enemies and hurling fireballs at my foes; navigating the depths of the universe in a spaceship entirely at my command - all from the safety of my own home? I’ll settle for the latter.

Don’t get me wrong - I do go out. I do have some form of social life even if, having had two children in a rather short period, it is at an amoebic stage. In future I will go out more (as long as we can afford the babysitter), but I will make sure that my repertoire of friends consists mainly of avid gamers, those who play games quite often, people who occasionally game, and those who have gamed, in that order.

Okay, so I jest - but it sure would be nice to meet more gamers genuinely interested in friendship once in a while! Also, I have trouble socialising with those of my own age, especially women. I do think I am meeting the wrong people, because I find that I have almost nothing in common with the majority of my acquaintances. They are generally people who, when faced with an adult female who likes nothing more than to climb to the top of a huge climbing frame on a visit to Monkey World and make monkey sounds (pics will be here as soon as my Dad pulls his finger out and sends them), would immediately summon the ‘men in white coats’ to remove me to a padded cell.

Perhaps it is simply time I grew up and started to enjoy talking about the latest anti-wrinkle product, mulling over which curtain patterns go with teracotta furniture, and discussing the finer points of cake decorating?

Anyway, I don’t care if you think I am a gaming geek. I wear the title with pride, and hope to still be ‘geeking it up’ when I am old and grey.

Now, on with the fun…

Browsing the Nanowrimo forum entitled Age Group: 20’s I noticed a distinct lack of those who, like myself, are in their late (very late in my case!) twenties, or those who have children. I decided a new thread was in order and expected no replies. Wrong! Out of the woodwork come a whole host of people; many with children, others with pets who they would like to believe are as demanding as children (I beg to differ!) but all with very busy lives and not very much time at all to write.

This brings me to the question - why are we doing this? I know that 50,000 words may not seem like very much when compared to full size adult novels of 200,000 words (and the rest) but I assure you, to write that amount of words in a mere 30 days is no mean feat when your life is a neverending cycle of mess and chaos!

I currently have an overflowing washbasket of clothes I am now unable to dry thanks to cold, rainy days and lack of a tumble dryer;  you can no longer see our lounge carpet due to the wall to wall toys, and no matter how many times I pick them up they magically reappear on the floor in seconds. From dawn until dusk I am asked neverending questions such as “I want a drink”, “I’m hungry”, “I need a wee”….not to mention my youngest child’s very cute but endless repetition of the word ‘Mummy’.

After the boys are in bed and settled, around 8pm, comes the ultimate obstacle - my boyfriend. He likes nothing more than to sit next to me on his computer with music on full blast, or American dramas complete with horrific murders galore blaring out on his speakers, the ear-piercing gun and bomb blasts when he is playing Battlefield 2142, and worst of all - Skype. I have always said he would make an amazingly good town crier or foghorn because damn he is loud! I also think perhaps slightly deaf as he truly doesn’t believe he is so noisy. When you spend every day with children you truly learn what noise is!

Others hoping to complete Nano this year have full time jobs to contend with as well as children. Some also have the added stress of school, and others personal difficulties. I really wish them all the best because I know I am going to find this difficult and I don’t work or study right now.

But why the struggle for so many? I have to admit, I don’t know. We all have our reasons. I am doing Nano because I have always wanted to write a book and never really got around to doing it properly, and I didn’t manage last time around. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. Okay…and perhaps because I am just a little bit bonkers. Is that a good enough excuse? It is for me.

A marvellous thread on the Nanowrimo forums today included a quote by A. A. Milne which I think is the perfect way to explain why I won’t be telling most people about my novel.

“…you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.”

This reminded me of a time when people started asking me about my first (still unfinished) novel. Answering truthfully “It’s about a boy who lives underground and is left behind when a monster comes to get them and all but him escape through a portal” doesn’t really do justice to what is floating around in my head. Putting it bluntly, it seems pretty crappy!

Dwelling on my response is what eventually put me off writing it, but reading the thread on Nano I think I may give it a go….when I have finished this one, of course.

I beg to differ.

Those familiar with Nanowrimo should recognise the title as being that of the ‘official’ Nanowrimo book. Now, I certainly don’t have a plot yet. Well, not one worthy of discussion anyway. I certainly see this as a problem!

Perhaps I should grab a copy…

I suppose I had better start this some time sooner rather than later, so a bit hello to visitors to my blog!

From now until December, and perhaps beyond (more on that later) I will primarily be using this blog to document my progress in Nanowrimo 2007. For those who don’t know what Nanowrimo is, it stands for ‘National Novel Writing Month’, which is based in the USA. Check out the website here. The name is a little inaccurate as people from all around the world now take part, but Wonowrimo doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it?

Anyway, starting the 1st November (at midnight for some, although being a full time Mum I don’t have that luxury) my task will be to write a 50,000 word ‘novel’ in a month. More a novella I guess, but as I will most likely be writing children’s fiction those 50k words will be a pretty large chunk of my book.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself but if I do win Nanowrimo (complete 50k words) then the following month is Nanofimo (’National Novel Finishing Month’, associated but not affiliated with Nanowrimo), then March is Nanoedmo (’National Novel Editing Month’, again associated but not affiliated with Nanowrimo). I may be around for quite some time yet!

Anyway…there it is. Come back again some time; I promise to make regular updates.