The Shape of a Mother
With my other half having recently published some not-so-hot photos of me online for all to see - much to my displeasure - my old self-image issue has once again reared it’s ugly head and I am not feeling so good about myself any more.
For many reasons I have always tried to keep myself looking as attractive as possible, and on occasion despise any photos of myself that do not look like ‘me’ - the way I see myself when I look in the mirror. Of course none of us look like we think we do in the mirror, I just don’t need that fact shoved in my face!
My Mum has always told me to keep myself looking nice; as slim as possible, clean, daily makeup, keep my hair looking nice. In our family we have always had a thing about ‘bad photos’ and from an early age I remember my Mum running away from the camera and even crying over photos of herself that she did not like.
At school there was always someone waiting with a nasty comment; be it about something as minor as a mole on my face, the fact that I had a slight lisp, my hair wasn’t fashionable, breasts too small and bottom too big, etc, and I became quite obsessed with my appearance. Between the ages of 15 and 18 I refused to wear trousers, for example, thinking my bottom too big to carry them off!
I also went through periods of extreme dieting, often eating only fruit during the day, and at one point I would only eat a packet of sweets (broken up into sections for each meal). Starvation, laxatives, purging - I tried them all. Never worked of course, as once I started eating again I would pile on the pounds!
I guess I am trying to explain why I behave this way at times.
Falling pregnant was quite cruel in a way. I had just decided to accept my body for the way it was. I went out and bought a size 8 bikini and a nice sarong, and sunbathed on the beach for the first time since I was a young teenager. One month later I got a positive pregnancy test, and immediately my body began to change.
At first I found it quite liberating. I could eat more than usual and didn’t mind the extra pounds, really enjoyed my growing ’bump’. I even dyed my hair back to brown as I no longer felt the need to stand out. Then of course the dreaded stretchmarks (thankfully never had too many of those though, at least compared to many other women). When I gave birth I was stunned by the hideous jelly-belly I was left with, even though it did go down in time! After my first child I lost a lot of weight and although of course my boobs weren’t so pert and my belly wasn’t great, I was quite happy with what I was left with (enough to wear a bikini). I accepted my new ‘motherly form’ and still felt like a human being, at least by 18 months post-birth anyway.
Then came the second pregnancy, and although I didn’t gain as much weight this time around the stretchmarks were worse, and I have been left with a body I would never ever show off in a bikini. I have been pretty devastated by this change and left feeling like a ‘thing’. Not woman but definitely not man! A mother, but nothing more. Sexless, formless, shapeless. My opinion of myself is not changing. Once I stop breastfeeding goodness knows what I will look like then - I am dreading it.
Many people have stressed to me how lucky I am to have two beautiful little boys and I know this, but it doesn’t stop me feeling this way. I dream of winning money and having thousands of pounds worth of surgery to ‘correct’ what has been broken. To be honest, I don’t know if I would go through with it, given the choice. But it’s a nice dream!
Don’t get my wrong, I am not in an eternal depression over the shape of my body! That would be especially shallow considering all what happens in this world. I am quite a happy person overall (although not first thing in the morning lol). I simply go through phases when I am distressed by the way I look - and this is one of them.
I know I am not the only mother who feels this way - I speak to many daily who also feel as I do. The creator of the website The Shape of a Mother knows this, as do many of her visitors. So, whenever I feel down, this is where I go. Often the introduction is enough to help me snap out of my ridiculous selfish self-loathing that serves no purpose!
“One day I sat in a restaurant in Anaheim, California eating breakfast, when a woman passed by my table with her infant carrier in tow. As she lifted it up to fit between the tables, her shirt raised and I saw that, although she was at a healthy weight and her body was fit, she had that same extra skin hanging around her belly that I do. It occurred to me that a post-pregnancy body is one of this society’s greatest secrets; all we see of the female body is that which is airbrushed and perfect, and if we look any different, we hide it from the light of day in fear of being seen. That makes me want to cry. Sure we all talk about the sagging boobs and other parts, but no one ever sees them. Or if they do, it’s in comical form, mocking the beauty that created and nourished our children.
It is my dream, then, to create this website where women of all ages, shapes, sizes and nationalities can share images of their bodies so it will no longer be secret. So we can finally see what women really look like sans airbrushes and plastic surgery. I think it would be nothing short of amazing if a few of our hearts are healed, or if we begin to cherish our new bodies which have done so much for the human race. What if the next generation grows up knowing how normal our bodies are? How truly awesome would that be?”
Maybe, one day, I will post my own photos up there. Who knows.
